The Truth About My Job Search

I started applying for full-time positions steadily in January, and with every passing month I felt heavier and heavier. I kept carrying around the expectations of my college education and the weight of my hopeful future. Well wishing friends, colleagues and acquaintances would inquire about my job search and ask "What's next?" and each time I would reply outwardly confident, "I am still looking for a good match", but inside I would wither away a little, stealing a soon-after moment to find a solitary place to let my built up tears escape. I found myself avoiding people I hadn't seen in a while because I knew the questions they would ask and I knew my heart couldn't handle the answers- I do not have a job. I have zero leads. I don't know what I am going to do. And the closer and closer graduation came, the more and more incomplete I felt. 

I was a fully stocked ship, with a strong sail and a huge gust of wind...just no place to go.

I realized how much of myself is defined by what I do. I've been in school for 20 years (!) and have grown unknowingly accustomed to that structure. Always a test to study for, paper to write, supplies to get, information to organize, articles to read... never without. And in the last 2 years of graduate school, I have attempted to be the epitome of a student affairs professional, throwing myself into assistantships, practicums, internships and class. I had been going, going, going for so long that the abrupt halt of life after graduation sans full time job was suffocating. And terrifying. 

I share this because I wish someone had been vulnerable enough to tell me the not-so-celebratory side of job searching. Sure it is all balloons and confetti when you get that first offer. And yes, things always find a way of working themselves out. But the truth is, those realities don't numb the pieces being chipped away from your sanity with every "Thanks for you application, but we've selected a candidate and it wasn't you" email. And I wish others were more gentle about talking to me about it. Maybe choosing not to ask me every time they saw me how the search was going or whether I had heard back from XYZ school about ABC position. I know everyone was so genuine, but I felt so alone in those moments, and I wanted to not feel alone in this. I wanted someone to say they too were frustrated and confused and crushed. No one claimed it would be a party, but very few talk about the heart-wrenching process. They say

 "Be patient." 

"Anyone would be lucky to have you."

"The right job is out there."

"Something better will come along."

"It just wasn't meant to be."

but they don't prepare you for the rush of emotions you are headed for. They give you these one liners, offer a reassuring smile and then they leave. They get to walk away and enjoy their full-time, fully paid positions while your brain is going a thousand miles an hour wanting to believe their sweet sentiments but finding contradictions in every word they speak. "If anyone would be lucky to have me then WHY HAVEN'T THEY HIRED ME!!!?"

The truth about my job search is that it was overwhelming. It was testing. And at times, it was paralyzing. I did not handle it well and I can fully admit that. It scares me how much I was affected by this process and it reminds me that I am not as tough as I claim to be. I am so grateful for my dear friends, my family and Sean for being so supportive throughout those roller coaster months. They allowed me to be overwhelmed without being completely overtaken (although some times were questionable). 

But now it's over (sweet relief) and I believe the last six months were leading me to the right place and I can say it was worth it... I just wish they hadn't been so hard.